How To Talk To Someone With Cancer
How We Talk About Cancer Matters: A Doctor's Journey to More Compassionate Communication
In her TEDx Talk "How To Talk To Someone With Cancer," Dr. Katie Deming shares a transformative moment that changed how she communicates with cancer patients forever. When one patient confronted her about the word "survivor," it sparked a revelation about the impact our words have on healing.
The Problem with "Survivor"
Despite being widely used in oncology – even defined by the National Cancer Institute as applying to all cancer patients from diagnosis onward – the term "survivor" can cause unexpected harm. Dr. Deming's research, published in the Journal of Psychosocial Oncology, revealed striking findings from 1,400 breast cancer patients:
60% expressed negative feelings about the term
Only 29% felt positive about it
Many felt it dismissed their ongoing struggles
Others found it reminded them of trauma
The Battle Language Trap
Beyond "survivor," Dr. Deming identified another problematic pattern: the use of battle metaphors in cancer care. Terms like:
"Fighting" cancer
"Giving up"
"Losing the battle"
"Enemy"
While such language might work in sports or politics, research shows it can be detrimental in healing settings. Studies have found that war metaphors:
Don't increase vigilance or motivation
Can promote fatalism and fear
May activate stress responses that lower immune function
A Personal Turn
The impact of language became even more personal for Dr. Deming when her own mother was diagnosed with advanced ovarian cancer. She witnessed firsthand how certain words could "descend like an atomic bomb" on a family. However, this experience also showed the power of intentional communication when her mother told family members, "This isn't a fight. I'm healing. And I just want you to love me and pray for me as I heal."
Better Ways to Communicate
Dr. Deming suggests three key approaches:
Get curious: Ask "How can I best support you?" and "What words would you prefer I use?"
Focus on feeling: Consider what emotion you want to convey - calm, peace, comfort
Seek feedback: Regularly ask "What can I do even better to support you?"
Moving Forward
The solution isn't simply swapping one set of words for another. Each person's experience with cancer is unique, requiring individualized communication approaches. Even mirroring a patient's own language – usually a good communication technique – might not always be appropriate in a healing context.
The Bigger Picture
While this conversation started with cancer communication, its implications reach far beyond. These principles apply to anyone supporting someone through any healing journey. The goal is to create an environment of peace and support, rather than one of battle and stress.
As Dr. Deming's experience with her mother showed, sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is simply be present with love and support, leaving the battle metaphors behind.
Remember: When speaking with someone facing cancer or any serious illness, take your cues from them. Ask how you can help, listen carefully, and focus on creating a peaceful, supportive environment for healing.
About Dr. Katie Deming
Dr. Katie Deming is a Conscious Integrative Oncologist who combines traditional and holistic medicine in her virtual practice. A Duke-trained former Radiation Oncologist, TEDx speaker, and founder of MAKEMERRY, she has transformed her clinical expertise into a groundbreaking approach to cancer care. Through her practice and the "Born to Heal Podcast," Dr. Deming helps clients address the root causes of disease, making healing accessible to everyone through an integrated mind-body-spirit approach.
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Note that this blog was reviewed by Dr. Sourabh Kharait.
